Honey
by Laurie is me
Summary: A word causes Xander to think.... *Complete**
1. Did you just call me

"honey"   
  
Her voice was as sweet as Honey.   
  
It wasnt any thing major.... just once. Something normal people wouldn't notice, but I did. I notice everything about her. And when she said that... My heart melted. I couldn't speak. I looked up into her eyes and I could tell... she didnt notice she said it.   
  
My heart feels as though its ripped in two. She said it, but she doesnt even know she said it.  
  
I tell Buffy I'm tired... I'll go home.  
  
"Xand.... Is anything wrong?"  
  
"Naw... just tired..."   
  
"Ok... I call you and tell you the plans for tomorrow night."  
  
I got up and started my way out her door when I was stopped by Dawn.   
  
"Hey, you aren't leaving so soon, are you? I mean we just got done with the scoobie meeting. Arent you going to stick around and try one of my new recipes?"  
  
"Lets put a rain check on the papaya qesadillas, ok Dawnie?"  
  
She gives me her dissapointed look which looks pretty much like Buffy's. "I guess." She sighs and sits back down on the couch with Willow.   
  
The cold air of the night feels good on my hot skin. I walk down the road like I have a thousand times before, deciding to leave my car at Buffy's. A walk will do me good... I'll think. But then again thinking has never been my strong suit... Why should I start doing it now?   
  
I take the short cut across the cemetary with a stake in my brest pocket walking slowly to watch for any activity. I get to the end of the cemetary without incident... and only my feelings to haunt me.  
  
Buffy... The same Buffy I have loved for 7 years just called me 'honey', and she didnt even know it.   
  
(Sigh)   
  
Don't get me wrong... I loved Anya. But I had to leave her at the alter... Marriage led to me becoming my father... and I couldnt do that, not to her.   
  
I also knew when that demon showed me what I could be... I would die for Buffy, no matter who I was married to or what kind of responcabilities I had, which would leave Anya alone and knowing the man she loved would die for another woman. But I didn't want to give Anya up. I wanted us to be happy, like we were at first... but she put a stop to that. I guess I should have known, giving up on marriage meant giving up on her.   
  
I was hoping on moving on... making a new chapter in my life. That was before Buffy called me 'honey'. Now I am looking at these feelings of the past, present, and now seemingly future.   
  
I have always had this passion with Buffy, which she has never felt. Thats why when she does something selfish, stupid, or brooding I want to scream at her. I keep thinking, if she only knew half of what she means to me then she would give me a chance. But if I told her and she said no, I don't think I can handle that rejection. The dance was bad enough, I still feel the pain from that 6 years later...  
  
"I-I don't know what to say."   
"Well, you're not laughing. So that's a good start. Buffy, I like you. A lot. And I know we're friends, and we've had experiences... We've fought some blood-sucking fiends, and that's all been a good time. But I want more. I wanna dance with you."   
  
" Xander, you're one of my best friends. You and Willow..."   
  
"Well, Willow's not looking to date you. Or if she is, she's playing it pretty close to the chest."   
  
"I don't want to spoil the friendship that we have."   
  
"Well, I don't want to spoil it either. But that's not the point, is it? You either feel a thing or you don't."   
  
"I don't. Xander, I'm, I'm sorry. I-I just don't think of you that way."   
  
"Well, try. I'll wait."  
  
  
Six years later and I'm still waiting.   
  
If I told her anything and she said she never felt anything for me... I know I wouldn't be able to handle it.   
  
I exhale deeply feeling the warmth of my breath leaving my body and filling it with a cold that isn't entirely due to the tempture.   
  
"Honey." Her words were thick, like honey. 


	2. Xander sings, Dawn reflects

The Room filled with the banging of Xander's hammer. He was fixing the windows again.... well it wasn't really the windows that broke this time, its the boards that are in place of the windows. To keep his mind off the troubles surrounding him he started to sing.... with the beat of his hammer. He sang mostly because he knew no one was there and even if someone tried to come home the singing would pretty much make anyone want to stay away. One thing was sure though, he was a sucker for the classics.  
  
"Come on baby and rescue me, cause I need you by my side....cant you see that I need you baby, cant you see that I'm lonely-----"  
  
"Hey Xand, Singing to the window again... well it likes you too." Buffy startled him, so much in fact that he accidentally hammered his thumb.  
  
"God Damnit!" He waved his thumb as though waving it would make the pain stop, it didn't, it just kept hurting.  
  
"Oh geeze Xand honey, I didn't mean to scare you like that... I'll get your keys and we'll get you to the hospital."  
  
He didn't know what hurt worse, his thumb or his heart.  
  
"Its not your fault Buff, I thought my singing would scare off any living creature, I guess I never took slayer strength into account."  
  
"Well I'll get a bell for the next time you decide to do the top 30."  
  
She started the car and drove at least 10 miles over the speed limit to the emergency room.  
  
*********  
  
"Well Mr. Harris you broke your thumb. I am going to write a prescription for some pain relievers, you are going to need it after we drill that hole in your nail."  
  
"You're gonna drill his what?"  
  
"Nail. To relieve the pressure."  
  
"I don't like the sound of that, you're gonna screw up his thumb more? I mean it sounds painful."  
  
"It will make it feel a lot better, and if we don't we might have to get rid of the thumb all together."  
  
"Are you one of those evil HMO doctors... I have heard a lot about you guys doing horrible things to people-"  
  
"Buff, he is a good doctor. This thing has happened to guys I know and it actually is supposed to help a lot."  
  
"Xander you are the same person who had to get gassed just to get some cavities drilled, you of all people are ok with this?"  
  
"Hey, I have a thing with sharp things in my mouth. And as most of us humans know, a thumb is different than a mouth. And what ever happened to 'don't worry your secret is safe with me?'"  
  
The doctor smiled as he wrote on the lengthy chart. "So how long have you two been together?"  
  
"We are NOT together. We are far from together. He is just totally one of the girls, He-"  
  
"Yeah, ok. I'm gonna stop you there. Buff, you really don't need to be here, you've really done enough for the day."  
  
She looked at him as though he just told her Santa wasn't real... and by real, the fake real with the toys and the whole not killing the small children.   
  
"Really Buffy, from what I understand the drilling... it has an ick factor. A blood gushing might even hit you in the face ick factor. Which is great if you're Spike-"  
  
"I'll be in the waiting room then."  
  
She gave the doctor a look and left them alone. The doctor got his equipment out and sat in his swivel chair in front of Xander. He took the instrument in his hands and before he started his work he looked up at Xander.  
  
"So who's Spike?"  
  
*********  
  
"You two are cutting it quite close." Giles motioned towards the boarded up windows.  
  
"Xander had an accident. He broke his thumb."  
  
Giles looked down to Xander's side and sure enough his thumb was in a huge inconvenient cast.   
  
"Are you all right?"  
  
"I am fine... I'd be better if I didn't have an itch..."  
  
"Where are the others?" Buffy re-entered the room.  
  
Giles took off his glasses and motioned towards the rest of the house, "Asleep. Things are quieting down for a while... They decided to get some rest, you should also."  
  
"I would love some R&R, seeing that this medication makes me sleepy... and your British accent seems funnier... I wonder if there is a warning for that... next to the heavy machinery warning. Which reminds me, I'll have to leave my car here, since the car is just one big-"  
  
"Heavy machine?" Giles finished for him.  
  
"Actually I was going to say British accent, but I guess its one of those too."  
  
"You're not leaving, not medicated. You could get seriously hurt." Buffy was in non-negotiation mode. Her voice told both men not to question her decision.   
  
"Alright.... Where do you want me?"  
  
"There is still room in the basement..."  
  
"With De-Fang? I have roomed with him enough to last exactly 39 lifetimes."  
  
They all fell silent. Dawn and Willow walked in and started up a lively conversation about nothing important really, but it was important to divert Buffy's attention away from Xander. Soon he was left alone in the living room, the only other being in the room was his cast, which was really big enough to live its own life independent of him.   
  
He felt the cold come back to him, it took its place... not on his heart exactly, but not contained to his lungs.   
  
She loved him all right, just like one of the girls. He began to understand that the term of endearment was not something she would attach to a 'boyfriend'. It made sense, what did she call Angel? Angel. Riley? Riley. Xander? One of the girls. 'I wonder if Buffy might like some lesbian action?' He laughed out loud at the thought.   
  
Was he really that pathetic? Oh hell yeah.   
  
"What's so funny?" Dawn walked over and sat next to Xander. "What happened to your thumb?"  
  
"I hammered my thumb instead of the nail because of the wacky fun of it all."  
  
"Ouch.... Was it Buffy's fault?"  
  
"Naw, why do you ask?"  
  
She looked down at her hands as if she just noticed she had fingers.   
  
"You were just looking at her as if she gave your puppy cancer... You don't have a puppy that has cancer, do you?"  
  
"Nope. I do have medication though."  
  
"Well then that explains it all." She looked over at him and smiled. She knew there was more to it, but she wasn't going to get in between a BuffyXander brawl. They were famous for them. Some no one ever heard about... but some of the big ones were witnessed by all... they were good too.   
  
When Buffy came back home after she killed Angel... She could have sold tickets to that one. They thought she didn't see what was going on, but she was at the top of the stairs hanging on every word. She did get a little scared when it seemed as though the verbal would turn physical. But in the end they fought the living dead side by side... not missing a beat. She figured that's how they were meant to be. They wouldn't always get along, almost come to blows, then in the end make up and kill the big uber evil.   
  
But the look on Xander's face said it all. He was tired of fighting. He seemed in a limbo state now, not dead, but not really living. He just seemed to be going through the motions. 


	3. Buffy and Xander fight, Xander thinks wi...

*#*#*#*#*#**#*#**#*# = POV change  
  
  
"Dawn! Are you comming?" Buffy yelled from the kitchen.  
  
"You should go... We dont want an angry slayer on our hands."  
  
"Or our asses." She got up before he could scold her for swearing.  
  
He got up. He really had no where to go, he couldnt leave, find a place to sleep, or even sleep for that matter. Sure the meds where working, he almost got dizzy from standing up. He found Giles alone in the dining room researching something that was probably of mild importance. He sat down next to the english man and looked up at him.   
  
"Can you drive me home?" Xander was suprised when he agreed and helped him to his car.   
  
"Thanks Giles."   
  
"Think nothing of it."  
  
********  
  
Xander walked into his apartment with a relieved feeling. Going out quietly was the way to go. No confrontation meant he got to keep all his limbs. He didnt feel like doing this... He felt like crawling into his own bed and just lying there.   
  
Maybe he could become a preist. Of course he would have to take that oath of poverty, which meant his comic book collection would have to go...  
  
Naw, religion meant dedication and a lot of smelly incents. He liked fighting evil, but that meant he would have to be around the woman he loved almost all the time and not able to act on it.   
  
#*#**#**#*#*#*#*#*#**#*#*#**#*#  
  
Buffy is behind me. I'm not a fool; I know she'd follow me.   
  
"Xander!!"   
  
"What do you want Buffy?"  
  
"Just talk with me!!"   
  
"I only talk to people who respect me, and since no such animal exists at the moment I am going home. So I can be by myself, where I am appreciated."  
  
"That's not fair Xander!"   
  
"Want to talk about unfair?? Try this for unfair. This one person, not to name names, lets just call her Muffy. You see Muffy has been 'friends' with this guy Pander for seven years. Pander learns in the course of ten minutes that Muffy doesn't think very much of Pander. So Pander is doing the smart thing and going home to listen to country music. So that when Muffy does die, he can feel like shit for the rest of his life because he didn't do anything to help Muffy."  
  
"Muffy respects Pander!! Muffy needs Pander!! But she doesn't want him to die!"  
  
"You think I'll want to live much when you die? You think much of anything will matter when you're gone? You think I don't need you?!?!"   
  
"Pand- I mean Xander... You don't. Your life will go on without the slayer. No more demons, no more fighting for your life every week."  
  
"Ok, you know I might be able to do without the slayer. And the demons I could do without. But I'll tell you one thing, I wont be alive without Buffy Summers."  
  
I turn and walk away. Leaving Buffy standing there in the middle of the street.  
  
  
***********  
  
When I get home its no surprise to see Giles sitting on the couch. He would want to avoid a direct confrontation, let the walk home cool me off a bit.  
  
"She is right. You are strong, and you can fight, no one is arguing that. But you are an innocent in this. You have no reason to fight."  
  
"I do, Buffy."  
  
"Buffy can take care of herself. Dawn cant. You've always been good with Dawn. If something were to happen to us... it would... I would be glad you were there for her. To keep her safe."  
  
"Oh and don't forget how happy the pair of us would be. She looses Buffy for the second time, third for me, and all of our friends would be dead. Sign me up for the fun! The bright side would be that Spike would be dust, but that doesn't make up for the fact that we would be all alone."  
  
"Are you afraid of being left out?"  
  
"Are you crazy? You know, I see danger and I walk quickly the other way. Its just seven years pass and still you and Buffy think no more of me... in some ways you think less of me. I am just me and I know that's not much to offer but that's all I got. I keep giving all I have and you don't care because I am not Superxaneder."  
  
"I know you do." I jump at the sound of Buffy's voice. "You give everything fighting for something that you weren't chosen to do. This isn't fate; you aren't some super witch or watcher. Any regular person would have left seven years ago, heck I tried so hard to leave. This isn't something you have to do and here you are day in day out. Why? Why can't you just go away? Why cant you just walk away from this and never look back??"  
  
"Because I don't want to live a normal life. I don't want to never think about what the rain of toads meant, or never go into research mode again. I want to hang with Buffy Summers and her freaky super friends."  
  
"You're gonna die."  
  
"Seven years of knowing tomorrow might not come. Got the message."  
  
"Xander, you don't need to die to help. There is actually a protection spell I recently found. You can protect Buffy from a safe distance. Does that seem alright with everyone?" Giles said. He looked from Buffy to me and we both nodded.   
  
He took that as his cue to leave. Buffy kept eye contact with me for a minute, not moving a muscle.   
  
  
"Do you actually think I could keep slaying after you're dead?" Her voice seems loud against the silence.  
  
"If Willow died you could."  
  
"This isn't about Willow."  
  
"You shut us out Buffy. Something gets hairy and you say goodbye world, Buffy is doing this on her own."  
  
"You never took goodbye for an answer. You never listened. If you died, who would come save me when I need it most? Who wouldn't listen and come to help anyway?"  
  
"Are you saying I can't follow directions?"  
  
"Damn strait." She smiles for the first time that night and I can't help but be drawn into it, I smile too.   
  
"I knew this would lead to you insulting my intelligence." She knows I am joking. She walks to me and gives me a tight hug. I feel like I cant breath. I don't know if that's due to the slayer strength or that Buffy is so close to me.  
  
By this time I've forgotten what started the fight. Buffy is warm... Buffy smells good. She seperates herself from me and smiles again.   
  
"I am sorry, I shouldnt have started that whole big fight scene."  
  
She started it? Oh, thats right. Xander you really gotta start thinking with other body parts.   
  
"Thanks, I'm sorry too. Buff..." I didnt finish. She smiles again and walks out the door.   
  
"...I love you." I said barely above a whisper. 


	4. you have some nice puns

"Dawn, we have to go now." Xander took his keys out waiting for Dawn to come to the car.   
  
"I'm sorry Xand, its just Melanie saw Shirley and Jim Quinn making out in the mall which is really gonna piss off her friend Stacy-"  
  
"Dawn, I was in high school once with almost all girl friends. I have heard my fair share of Jenny kissing Ryan stories. Giles said tonight is a big night for the first, we need to get home."   
  
"Hey Xander... I kinda feel weird asking this..."  
  
"Is it about the birds and the bees?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ok, ask away." He got out of the shopping mall parking lot going left, the longer way. So Dawn could talk to him and not worry about running out of time.  
  
"Well, I was thinking after we talked when I became a not-so-potential again. You told me about how much harder it was on the rest of us. It has to be hard on me because the slayer is my sister and you can't choose family. But you chose this. And a part of me just can't believe that it's all because you like fighting evil."  
  
"When did you become so insightful?"  
  
"When I saw you. You aren't Xander."  
  
"Ok, do we have to go over the whole I am driving a car therefore touching it so I cant be the first-"  
  
"Not the first. You're you, but then you aren't."  
  
"Dawn, I am going to tell you something important. Something that you can't repeat. What I am trusting you with is a big responsibility, I wouldn't trust willow with this, that is how important. Can you handle it?"  
  
Dawn thought for a second and took a deep breath. "You can trust me."  
  
"When the first goes... That is if we win, I'm leaving. Don't try to talk me out of it... It has to be done."  
  
Dawn felt the tears build up and flow freely down her face.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Short version: Its killing me being here. Slow and painful. Its no one's fault, not even my own. There is a job over on the east coast... they want me to be one of the big bosses, wear a tie and everything."  
  
"When are you gonna tell them?"  
  
"I'm not. I am leaving and not telling them where I am going. Dawn... I know this sucks for you the most. Having another male figure leave you and Buff. I am going to leave you a number and an address to write to me any time. None of them can know about it. I want you to always know that I'll be there for you. And when it gets really hard and you think no one understands, I do. I've been there, got the t-shirt. That is unless it's about a boy... If it's about a boy I know this guy Larry who you can talk to-"  
  
"Its because she could never love you the way you need her to isn't it?"  
  
"Its not Buffy's fault. She would just rather bonk an undead guy she hates than come and just talk to me. And the way things are going I think history is going to repeat its self and I... I can't go through that again... I can't feel like that and not be able to do anything about it."  
  
"You can talk to me."  
  
"Yeah, I can. You should get a Kleenex, we are almost there."  
  
She opened the glove compartment and dried her eyes, which were now big and puffy.   
  
"I'll tell Buffy I saw the guy I had a crush on kissing another girl in the food court."  
  
"She has never given you any credit, has she?"  
  
"Look who's talking."  
*************   
  
He watched as the Scooby meeting unfolded in front of him. He waited for his line to come up. That's all it was now, a line. He would come in with something that any cheerleader could do, or give Buff a place to fight the first freely. That was his legacy to Dawn... to be someone who just does something when absolutely needed. He saved the world sometimes, and sometimes he didn't tell anyone. The times he did they just treated it like another day at the office. They didn't know what it felt like to be Joe Normal and actually save the world.   
  
The Scooby meeting was then finished and they went their respective ways. Xander of course made his way to the kitchen. He sat down with the paper in front of him, reading the obits for some weird blood draining victims. It might be a long shot but it was worth looking at. That's when Buffy came in, thirsty from talking so much during the meeting.   
  
"You're quiet."  
  
"Yeah... I'm thinking of killing you all in your sleep... You would have never seen it coming, but now that you've caught me you've spoiled my evil scheme."  
  
"Its just... is there anything bothering you?"  
  
"Naw, I'm good Buff. I guess it's just hit me. The first evil... Of all the big bads this is the biggest... I'm worried about the SITs, Willow, Dawn, Giles, and of course you. What if you have to make some big sacrifice again? Serious thoughts make Xander a dull boy." (Liar.) He though.   
  
"Xand... I don't care if you make stupid jokes or not."  
  
"Stupid jokes?"  
  
"Is there any other way to describe them?"  
  
"Well I think the effort of cracking jokes in the face of danger would count for something."  
  
"That still doesn't make up for all the other times you crack stupid jokes."  
  
"You slay me slayer. I am not the only one who puns... you have some nice puns..."  
  
She hit Xander playfully on the arm. For the first time in a while Xander smiled a genuine smile while he was trying to give Buffy his best innocent look.  
  
"What? I see you pun all the time... Can't a guy just say he likes your puns?"  
  
"I think you pun good when you fight." Dawn came in the room deciding to make the SITs her guinea pigs for a new recipe she was thinking of making. "Of course yours aren't as good as Xander's, but you have that whole slayer thing."  
  
Xander grinned and Buffy rolled her eyes. (I pun better than Xand all the time... lets see him try to do a roundhouse and think of a pun at the same time.)  
  
**********  
"You don't see it do you?" Xander walked through the sand to the rock Buffy was sitting on. It was sunrise, or sunset in reverse. She didn't know which.   
  
"What? I don't have x-ray vision."  
  
"This only takes the 20/20 kind Buff. You don't see me do you?"  
  
"I see you, you're right in front of me."  
  
Xander looked over at the sunrise and exhaled deeply.   
  
"Everybody loves a clown."  
  
"I thought clowns scared you?"  
  
Xander looked over to her and smiled. "Not that kind. It's going to be too late soon. Will you be able to handle it?"  
  
"The first evil?"  
  
He looked down at his pants and brushed off non-existent sand.   
  
"Sometimes the fights, the ones that really matter, have nothing to do with a battlefield. You're not ready for this fight."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you're going to loose something you never thought you wanted to have."   
  
She looked down at her hand and wasn't surprised when she saw it bloodied. She was holding a heart. She looked over at Xander's shirt where the blood flowed. She held out the heart.  
  
"You're gonna need this."   
  
"Keep it, its yours anyway."   
  
He got up and walked up towards the sun. She looked back down at her hand to find the heart fall apart in her hands.   
  
Buffy woke up startled and confused. 


	5. watch me xander

(The battles done, and we kinda won, so we sound our victory cheer)  
  
That's it. It's all over. We're safe. I'd like to smile, but I just don't think that's in me anymore. I know I won't be able to smile without them... not a real smile anyway. But this is the way it has to be. I always used to hate people like me, who saw no other way but the one they chose.   
  
"I am so glad you and Will are safe... I don't know what I'd do if you were gone." She hugs me and leaves my apartment promising to see me tomorrow morning, like a victory breakfast.   
  
Bastard. That's what I am. I should stay. It shouldn't matter what's going on with me. I couldn't do something else selfish?   
  
I grab the boxes and start to fill them. Not much stuff, and I don't care about my security deposit so I'll just leave the apartment the way it is.   
  
God I need a drink.   
  
******  
  
Looking back at the apartment when everything is packed up I think I should say something. I can't call; they'll try to change my mind. I could leave a Dear John letter... But who would I be breaking up with? Spike?   
  
Plus there would be that whole part to each person I would have to write, saying what I'll miss most about each of them. That's just too corny for me. I'm Xander damnit, better keep it simple.   
  
I take a piece of paper out and place it on the counter. I take my Sharpie and write boldly: Everyone, Bye. Love, Xander  
  
Well that included everyone. I better catch my flight.  
  
*#*#*#*#**#*#*#*#**#*#*#*#**#*#  
  
"You're gonna ask Xander what?" Willow pours Giles his tea and sits next to him at the kitchen table.  
  
"I was planning on asking him to be a watcher. Of course since there is no more council I thought I could start anew. Plus Xander would never again be able to say that the council is full of stuffy old English men."  
  
"Wow, that is so... HUGE! I don't know what to say. I hope he says yes! I could totally see him being a watcher.... Oh, but wait. Do you have to be super smart like you to be one? Cause I love him but I don't think-"  
  
"No. Something I have learned over the years with Buffy is that you don't need smarts as much as instinct, or to know when is the right time to fight, I think Xander would make an excellent watcher."   
  
"You want Xander to be a watcher? How are you going to re-build the council? How are you going to get enough people... or get a system of finding the potentials? Or get enough money for half of the expenses? I mean the trips back and forth to England alone have to cost a bundle." Buffy chimed in un-invited.   
  
"We wont be going back to England. I think the council should be based near a hell mouth. That was one of the problems with the old one, they never knew what it was like to actually live on a hell mouth."   
  
Buffy's eyes and smile brightened immediately, "You and Xand would be staying here?"   
  
Giles nodded. That's all she needed, she hurled herself atop him hugging him tightly.  
  
"Buffy... I ....Cant.....Air..." She loosened her grip.   
  
"Sorry." Of course she didn't mean it. She was too happy. Giles would be staying, that's all a slayer needs. Her friends and her watcher, and right after a huge battle that they won... life was great. She looked at her watch.   
  
"Xander is an hour and a half late... I should call him."  
  
"I am sure he's tired. Why don't we go over there after we stop by the Espresso Pump? Nothing to wake some one up like way too much sugar than the human body should hold." Willow got up and yelled up the stairs for Dawn.  
  
"I'm with the red head. What about you Giles? Wanna get a mocha?"  
  
"You can go right on ahead. And don't you tell him what we talked about, understood?"  
  
"Ok, you're the watcher. And maybe Xander will be too." She shrugged and put on her coat.   
  
Willow opened the door and waited for Buffy to go through first.   
  
"Dawn says she doesn't want to come. She seems kinda pooped. This is only her 3rd apocalypse, she needs to get used to it."  
  
Buffy and Willow walked happily to their friends apartment.  
  
*************  
  
Willow saw a Wicca at the Espresso Pump so Buffy walked the rest of the way by herself. Turning the key he had given her for emergencies she walked into the apartment noticing he must have cleaned up a little. Xander wasn't one to clean after a big fight... She would have to make fun of him later for it. She knocked on his bedroom door before opening it to find him not there.   
  
"Xand? You here? Ok, now I am mad. I told you I would be here first thing in the morning, and what do you do? Well I don't know... Why am I talking to an empty bed?" She shook her head and was on her way out when she saw it over on the counter. A note. She practically ran to his second dresser drawer, no comics. She opened the other drawers, trying to find some remains of Xander Harris but came up empty.  
  
"Oh My God!" 


	6. Gordo's been pignapped

Giles slammed the apartment door. "That damn ratfink of a landlord! Sorry. He said he saw Xander bring boxes to his car and finally leave. He didn't try to stop him, or ... or..."  
  
"He's his landlord, not his babysitter." Willow told Giles simply.   
  
"Its all your fault." Dawn looked over to Buffy.  
  
"Dawn! You can't possibly blame Buffy for any of this..." Willow was shocked at what came out of the teen's mouth.  
  
"I can, and I am." Dawn grabbed her coat and walked out of Xander's former apartment.   
  
("It's killing me being here. Slow and painful. Its no one's fault, not even my own." It is someone's fault... hers. Why couldn't she see you the way I do?)   
  
When she was sure no one was following her she got to the nearest pay phone and called Xander with her phone card.   
  
\"Hey Dawnie."\  
  
"How did you know it was me?"  
  
\"I've only given this number to you. Do they know yet?"\  
  
"Yeah."  
  
\"How are they taking it?"\  
  
"Good, considering. How are you? You feel any better?"  
  
\"Did you think that once I got away from the hell mouth it would like a weight was lifted off my shoulders?"\  
  
"Isn't it?"  
  
\"That's not how this works Dawn. I'm never gonna feel any better."\  
  
"I gotta go now, someone will probably be following me."  
  
\"Demon?"\  
  
"Worse, watcher."  
  
They exchanged their goodbyes and Dawn saw the watcher coming from the corner of her eye.   
  
"Who were you calling Dawn?"  
  
"I tried Xander's cell, no one answered so I called the operator. They said it was disconnected."  
  
The watcher gave her a forced smile and put his arm around her guiding her home.   
  
"Its good that you tried. I have a feeling Xander doesn't want to be found. I can't help but feel it was a progressive... I knew he had been more depressed as of late, I was hoping my news would help him snap out if it."  
  
"Its not your fault."  
  
"But it's Buffy's?" He looked over to the girl, trying to figure out what she was thinking.   
  
"Its gotta hurt. Loving someone as much as he loves Buffy. And then she doesn't even notice, or maybe she doesn't care." Giles was a smart man; she was sure he saw what she did.   
  
"She loves him."  
  
"Just not the way he needs her to." She completed for him.  
  
"No. I don't think so."  
  
*******************  
  
She sat alone in Xander's empty apartment. She made her way to the bedroom and sat down looking around the room solemnly.   
  
She laid her head down on the pillow that still smelled of Xander.  
  
(Why did you leave me here?)  
  
She turned on her side and put her nose to the pillow.  
  
(What did I do so wrong? What did I do to make you go away? Why do I feel so empty? I don't remember feeling like this when willow went away...Why couldn't you just stay where people need you, where I need you....)  
  
  
*******************  
*3000 miles away*  
  
Xander loosened his tie as he walked into his building elevator. (leave it up to men to tie a noose on our necks each day. I wonder what Buffy is doing? I wonder if they are all right, or if evil is afoot. Naw, it seems to cool down in the summer. Why is that?) He walked down the hall of the high scale apartments and went inside his very own very nice, very cold apartment. He looked up at the wall where the couch was... (I could put a Dingo's poster there... that would help make this place look less sterile.) He already had pictures covering coffee tables and counters. (Who knew I would finally learn how to use a picture frame.) That's when the knock came. Oh God, they couldn't have found me, could they? He opened the door to see a woman and her little poodle dog.   
  
"Hello, I am your neighbor! We just wanted to come over and say Hello."  
  
"We?"  
  
"Me and Mr. McFluffy here." She raised the dog a little. (Oh... right, we.)   
  
"Hi. I'm Xander Harris."  
  
"I'm Joan Wright. Xander is an unusual name."  
  
"Its short for Alexander. Why don't you come in." He stepped aside letting the woman spy in on his privacy. He knew the other people in the building put her up to this; to check him out, make sure he wasn't a wacko.   
  
(Lady you're outta luck. I don't only believe in vampires, but I have a friend who slays them.)  
  
"These pictures of your family?"  
  
(Oh, you mean did I leave my wife and kids and skip over state lines to try to weasel out of child support?)  
  
"Nope, those are my friends." She picked up a picture of Giles and showed it to him.   
  
"This your father?"   
  
Without hesitating Xander said, "Yes." He even surprised himself with that.   
  
************  
  
Xander laid on his bed after the interrogators left (That poodle was brutal.) He looked over to see Mr. Gordo peeking out one of the boxes. Buffy left him there one time... He didn't remember why he took him.... (Gordo's been pignapped by the geeky boy.)   
  
"God Buff, I'm so sorry." He moved to his side and picked up the pig. Gordo smelled like Buffy, well he was bound to since she slept with him... He sighed and stared at the ceiling.   
  
(Where is a good rain of toads when you need one?) 


	7. Stupid Dawn and her stupid logic

//text// = telepathic communication.  
  
  
Buffy woke up in Xander's bed different than when she fell asleep. If that's what he needed, that was fine. She wasn't going to stop him from doing what he wanted. In fact screw him. Yeah, that's right, screw Alexander Lavelle Harris. She could do this without her mother, father, Giles, Willow, and Angel. She surely could do without Xander.   
  
He wants to be a selfish bastard than fine, When did she ever ask for his help? Never. She never needed it either...  
  
**********  
*3000 miles east*   
  
Xander woke up the same way he fell asleep, tired and missing everyone. He couldn't think, thinking meant giving up and not wanting to go to work. (Don't think Xander, just shower. Then put on another suit for another day.)  
  
RING   
  
Xander raced to the phone.   
  
"Dawnie?"  
  
\"Hey Xand. I just wanted to tell you... Buffy stayed at your place last night.... at least I think she did. She just came home... She looks happy. She told Giles to stop the search for you."\  
  
"Well then I don't have to worry about any Scooby's coming to my door." (The second day I'm gone and she's ok... I guess I should be happy.... Idiot Jed steps in: You idiot! That bitca doesn't miss you!! All of this for nothing! She could care less that you aren't there! You mean nothing to her, not even a friend.)  
  
\"Yeah, or you can get angry on how selfish she is acting."\  
  
"She isn't the only one doing something selfish." (Idiot Jed: the girl is right, get angry! break stuff!)  
  
\"Yeah, cause you have no reason to act the way you are. Just because you love her more than anything and did everything for her and then, the one thing you needed from her she says no."\  
  
"Dawn."  
  
\"Sorry, but being the founder of Xander is the sexiest man on the face of the universe club it kinda pisses me off when she cant see how great you really are."\  
  
"You don't have a crush on me still, do you Dawnie?"  
  
\"Truthfully... Kinda, you're a hard guy to get over. You, you've been so brave... I get scared and the first thing I think of is 'What would Xander do?'"\  
  
"Dawnie, the answer to that is always going to be 'run and hide.' I'm no hero, I'm just a guy who's too scared to tell the woman he loves the truth, and runs away. Runs 3000 miles away."  
  
\"Sometimes being brave is knowing when to run... I remember someone telling me that once- Hold on, someones coming home. I gotta go."\  
  
She hung up the phone before he could tell her goodbye.   
  
**********  
*3000 miles west*  
  
Willow officially didn't care what Buffy though. She was not going to stop looking for...  
  
"How stupid can I be!!"   
  
Giles looked up from his book.   
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I can just think him!"  
  
"Yes... of course you can think of him, he has been your friend all these years-"  
  
"No! Me, Buffy, and Xander did this spell when I got back and almost fileted. It was so if someone was in trouble we could hear them with out having to be in hearing distance, it also cut down the cell phone bills. I can just reach him through my mind!"  
  
"Are you sure the spell is strong enough for the distance?"  
  
"Well there's only one way to find out."   
  
Willow looked down at the table concentrating on something.   
  
//Xander//  
  
//Will?//  
  
Willow stood up excitedly jumping up and down.  
  
"Is that part of the spell?" Giles looked at her like she was crazy.  
  
"No, I heard him! Hold on, let me try and talk to him."  
  
  
//Xander, why did you go?//  
  
//Will I really don't want to talk to anyone.//  
  
//Ok, don't talk. Get your ass home!//  
  
//It's not that simple.//  
  
//Wait, why did you go?//  
  
//Will, I love you so much. Bye.//  
  
//Xander? Xander! //  
  
"Damnit! He won't talk to me. I am going to officially kill him when he comes back here."  
  
"He told you he was coming?"  
  
"No. But it's Xander... He'll come back. He'll work out what he has to and come back... Right?"  
  
//Oh, tell Buffy not to worry, I kinda took Mr. Gordo.//  
  
**************  
  
"He took Gordo??"  
  
"Buffy that's not the point."  
  
"Gordo's been pignapped?"  
  
"Buffy, FOCUS! I can't get him to come back... Maybe you should try."  
  
"And tell him what exactly? Thanks for abandoning us?"  
  
"Not us, you. Its all your fault he's gone." Dawn didn't even look up from the magazine she was reading.   
  
"Oh, what is it Blame Buffy night? Well I don't have to put up with this." She slammed the front door shut and went towards one of the closer cemeteries. (Stupid Dawn.... Wait.... that doesn't make any sense... How could she know what made Xander leave. Oh Dawn you are soooo dead!) Buffy ran back into the house.   
  
"He told you he was leaving!!" Buffy pointed at Dawn.   
  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"He told you, or else you wouldn't be so sure why he left! You know why he's gone!"  
  
"I'm going to my room." She was pinned to the wall by her much stronger sister.   
  
"No, You're going to tell us where he is."  
  
"What happened to 'I dont care about what Xander does.'?"  
  
"Can you guys leave us alone?"   
  
The others nodded and left quickly.  
  
"What do you want to do Buffy, threaten me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Than what?" She let go of her sister and sat down on the couch thinking about it for a minute.  
  
"Dawnie I need him."  
  
"I know. But do you ever wonder what he needs?"  
  
"What does he need?"  
  
"You."  
  
"Well than that was really smart of him. Hello Dawn, I'm right here why would he go-"  
  
(She held out the heart.  
  
"You're gonna need this."   
  
"Keep it, its yours anyway.")  
  
"Oh. I get it. He needs me. I guess I thought when he had Anya he would never want...I have to get some air." 


	8. Dawn gets a car

4 Months later**  
  
Xander was loosing the last hand of the night. It would have been pathetic that he was hanging out with a bunch of 60-year-old women on a Friday night... that is if he cared. They were all good people... that is everyone but Mrs. Roberts, she was a nice Igwoem demon, and she was more in her 600s. Her secret was safe with Xander as long as she let him win a couple hands. As the women were picking up to leave a knock came on the door.   
  
(God I hope it's not my boss.) Xander prayed as he opened the door to see-  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
She nervously waved to him, then felt immediately stupid.   
  
"Hey Xand."  
  
The women huddled around him trying to get a look at her.  
  
"A friend of yours?" One of them piped up.  
  
"Ladies, this is Buffy, Buffy the ladies."  
  
"We should get going, see you next Friday." They exited and whispered watching the two young people.  
  
"If I'da known you had a harem-"  
  
"Friday is the day we 'play' poker, and I loose all my money to a bunch of senior citizens. Did I mention how much I'm going to kill Dawn?"  
  
"It wasn't her fault. I threatened to read her diary to any student that came to see me. Can I come in?"  
  
"Yeah. My casa is Buffy casa." He turned letting her in and shut the door.   
  
"You can sit."  
  
"I like the poster." She pointed at the Dingo's poster above the couch.   
  
"Yeah, I called Oz and asked him for one. He says 'Hi' by the way. He was going to Europe with the band last I heard. They're big in Turkey. He sends me post cards every so often."  
  
"I figured out why you left."  
  
"I'm good Buffy, how are you these days?"  
  
"Sorry, I just didn't want this to be one of those surfacy conversations where we talk and don't really say what we should. We were always better than that."  
  
"Ok, so... why did you come here? You now know the truth on why I left, I though you would agree with my decision."  
  
"I did at first. But then time went by and... I can't stand it. I can't stand living in a world where you aren't there. I need you. I know you're not coming back and its killing me. Thats when I begain to seriously think. Four months of Buffy's head smoking because of all the thinking. I thought of me... I thought of you... I thought of us. Once or twice I decided I was going to offer myself to you... but that wouldn't bring you back would it? It would only make things worse, or make you hate me."  
  
"I could never hate you."  
  
"Maybe things would be better if you did."  
  
"Buff..."  
  
"The only way to stop us both from hurting- Its not much, but its all I have to offer. I think we should date. Something in a scenic route... where we can both just take it slow. I've been thinking of you in a 'how-good-you-looked in-that-speedo' sense and I have to say its not a bad picture. Very not bad, good, great, wonderful even. I just... All the men in my life have left me, and most for a valid reason. I just... I'm scared that you're gonna have a very valid reason and go away again."  
  
"Buff, if we can't... If a relationship doesn't work, I'll stay. I won't go away again."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"Yeah. What you just said... its all I could ever ask from you. Thanks."  
  
"That doesnt seem like the word I'd use if I were you. You gave up your life."  
  
"I had you to bring me back." He got up and went to hug his 'friend'. (Don't kiss her.... remember, scenic route)  
  
"Thanks." She said as she broke off the hug.   
  
"Nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband."  
  
"I'll remember that." She kissed his cheek and smiled brightly which of course what contagious.  
  
"I should give you back your pig."  
  
"Good, I'll drop the pignapping charges. You wanna start packing?"   
  
"You want me to leave tonight?"  
  
"No, I want you to leave four months ago so my head wouldnt hurt so much." Without thinking Xander kissed her forehead, only afterwards wondering if it was too bold.  
  
"That feels better, thanks. You know your apartment is rented out. So I was wondering... You wanna live with me?"  
  
"Your 'taking it slow' seems quite simillar to a 'going way too fast.'"  
  
"I meant it in less of a 'same bed' and more in a 'sleep in another room'. You could always stay with Giles."  
  
"I think that would be best consitering... our new situation."  
  
(hmmm situation..... Xander kissage....kissage with tongue... STOP! Slow... we need to go slow. Fast means him leaving me at the alter while he flies in a helecopter to the Northwest Territories going to kill the abominable snowman and never to be heard from again. Ok, just dont think of how he looks good in that suit with the tie loosened just enough to see the skin right below.... Think of dead puppies.... dead puppies...)  
  
"You're probably right.... we don't want to tempt fate... cause that never seems to go right. Like there is this guy somewhere making sure no matter what we do, how good we are, we can never be happy."  
  
"Yeah, I hate that." (Xander's goofy smile is not sexy damnit! Dead puppies...)  
  
"Oh, and when you do come back, Giles has something to ask you."  
  
"He wants to date me too?"  
  
"He better not. I'll fight him for it." (Dead puppies.....)   
  
"How is everyone?"  
  
"Missing you. Wanting you to come home. Which reminds me, you still going to kill Dawn?"  
  
"Naw... I was actually thinking about getting her a car." (me too.)  
  
*************** 


	9. To slayers, size does matter

"So how's my favorite slayer?"  
  
"Great! Just staked two vampires... so less evil = goodness. How's MY favorite new watcher?"  
  
"Good. The SITs were getting with the fighting, which would have been good if it wasn't with each other, then I laid down the law. Me. Xander Harris, the king of goofing-off-when-we-should-be-researching told them to pay attention in my big watcher-knows-best-voice."   
  
"I like it when you lay down...."  
  
Buffy leaned in and kissed him deeply, just glad that they were both happy. Xander broke off the kiss abruptly. (Hey, I was enjoying that, get that tongue back here....)  
  
"Evil thing."  
  
"Not the response I was going for... I would have liked something like 'you little devil'-"  
  
"Honey, I meant evil thing as in evil thing behind you."  
  
"Oh."   
  
Buffy turned to fight the 4-foot demon. Xander, without hesitation took out an axe and camcorder. The axe was for Buffy... If she needed help, and the camcorder was for the SITs. He was nervous with letting some of them near vampires, since two of them were 12, so he would show what real danger was at a safe distance... Kinda like those tapes of car wrecks they make you watch at traffic school. It also helped research so they wouldn't go by his description of some where in between 'gfwrl and 'hmlei'. The demon was killed quickly; apparently when you are a slayer size does matter.  
  
"You wanna get home?"  
  
"Sure." Buffy said a little out of breath. "I've done enough of the good slayer thing for one night."  
  
"I'll give the tape to Giles in the morning. He enjoys making the SITs research things even when they probably don't need researching. I think it gives him a sense of power over them. Which reminds me, Dawn loves her new job. She gets to drive her car there, so added fun points, and she gives out assignments to the girls... making her management. She doesn't get to give them orders directly but its gotta be a buzz. All those years of taking orders from slayers... to be able to boss them around, even if its just a little has gotta be a good feeling."  
  
"Ok I am convinced that only half of that is Dawn and the rest is Xander blowing off steam."  
  
"'I'm the only one', 'I am destined to fight evil'. Wears a little thin. Always good to answer a destined girl with a 'you are destined.... to do 30 more laps', or 'Yeah, well there have been only one's since the beginning of time, I am unimpressed. Do more mind numbing research for no reason at all.'"  
  
"Wow Xand. I never knew you could be that mean."  
  
"Wanna talk about mean? 'No Xander, I can't go with you to the Spring Fling, you have a pulse and haven't made brooding an Olympic sport.'"  
  
"To which I whole heartedly accept that I was in fact wrong. But I did love Angel... Always will."  
  
"I'll always love Anya."  
  
"I'll always love Riley."  
  
"I'll always love Willow."  
  
"Are we going to do this all night?"  
  
"You're the one who brought up undead and brooding."  
  
"So I'm never going to be able to even say his name?"  
  
"In a perfect world."  
  
Buffy stopped Xander and turned him to face her. "Why do you hate him so much?"  
  
"Because he loved his own life more than you. He stayed in his apartment Buff as you were about to be killed by a seriously freakish vampire. Haven't you ever wondered why I never hated Riley? He never held back... Angel did."  
  
"Here I thought it was because he was a vampire."  
  
"That is only one of many factors. How did we get to Seriousville?"  
  
"I dunno. I am in a mood for a lets go to bed and make Buffy tired time though.... You do know, don't you?"  
  
"Know what?" She stopped him again, this time looking at the ground, then looking in his eyes, hers never faltering.  
  
"That I am in love with you. Deeply... undeniably... in love. The kind that scares the hell out of me... but at the same time... I don't want to think of my life being any other way."   
  
He took her in his arms.   
  
"I know the feeling."  
*******************************************************************************************  
  
Author's Note: Ok, this is it for now... I may do some thing to add to this, but right now some plot bunnies are hopping way too much to be ignored. This is my first Buffy fanfic so tell me what you think of it. I'm not used to writing sexy scenes or fighting scenes so they kinda lacked in the fic, the ones I tried to write ended up on the cutting room floor. Hopefully I can write some half decent fight scenes for the next Buffy fic I write.   
  
Laurie 


End file.
